Visiting my old neighborhood fills me with lots of different feelings. Most of the time they are pleasant, but they can also get saddening, contradictory and even confusing.
Walking in the streets surrounding my old apartment feels wonderful. It's like I never left. I meet my friends and even from the very first hug, it's like we were hanging out just the day before. This does not happen often to me. When I leave a place, it may even take me years to return to it and during that time I change pretty drastically. Facing an old world with new eyes will naturally have an effect on all elements of my old life, including my friends. Not with these people though. These are friends that, for various reasons, are capable of eliminating any time that has gone past in a single smile. I'll elaborate further on them at another opportunity...
The strangest feeling of them all, is me taking a peek into my old self. My "Menelaos in Argentina" self. I have changed in many ways since then, both internally and externally. Back in the day, I'd be dressed like a hippie, being loud and fully energetic, dragging the group from one place to another, flirting endlessly and ending up going home with somebody I had only just met. Now, I just want to enjoy the company of some old friends, have some meaningful chats, catch up and overall enjoy them as the wonderful, individual people that they are, rather than as vibrant parts of a group. Besides, I'm not here for that long, so I need to fill my time with experiences I long for and take a piece of them with me back home.
Every now and then though, while having an interaction with somebody, a big memory-bubble would appear in front of me all cartoon-like, showing me a short clip of how this interaction would have progressed were I still in "Menelaos version 2008" mode. And then, as unexpectedly as it appeared, the bubble would disappear again, smoothly returning me to the present-moment as it actually is. All this in a matter of a split second.
The other person, of course, could not possibly know I had just taken that mini journey into what I can only identify as a potential scenario of how the given situation could progress. But I knew. I had momentarily diverted my concentration from what was going on or what we were talking about, but it was for such a brief moment that I did not look lost in space nor daydreaming.
What was so captivating about it despite its negligible duration is the fact that it was stunningly vivid and almost tangible. I really felt like I was observing a parallel "me" while actually living the current me. To understand what I'm talking about, put yourself in a hypothetical situation where somebody is talking to you but you really don't want to be there. So you escape momentarily through the magical, limitless paths of your imagination, taking the opportunity to picture yourself walking away from this person, leaving them talking by themselves. But then, your mind brings you back to reality and you say "Aw, crap. I'm actually still with this guy...". The difference, of course, is that in my case, I did not provoke this occurrence.
That moment, brief as it may have been, had already managed to fill me with questions. I'm not sure what to make of it. What is this experience trying to tell me? Is it just showing me memories of a remarkable past? Is it bringing suppressed desires to the surface? Is it a sign of how much I've grown and changed? Do I see dead people? Have I had far too much wine? Maybe it was just a glitch in the Matrix...
I think I'll just have some more wine. You know... Just in case it helps me find out. :)
M.
I've never actually had an experience such as the one your describing. (However, you know I'm the kind of person who leaves a place or previous version of myself and doesn't dwell on it).
ReplyDeleteIn general, with age and time, we begin to appreciate the depth of others instead of just the momentary pleasures they bring us. You understand that while someone makes you laugh or smile in a moment, they are also a complex human being full of emotions and history and dreams. Perhaps, what you are experiencing now is a desire to go beyond that moment with your friends and know them on a deeper level with an appreciation gained through distance and wisdom. Time is a wise but slow teacher.
I think we change and evolve because that's how life works. You are a different version of yourself now because you (subconsciously or consciously) needed to change into the current version. In a basic sense, when our actions no longer give us the pleasure or fulfillment we need, we leave them behind. You chose your new path and there is a reason you chose it. And only you can know those reasons.
If we all held on to the version we were in the past, we'd never become the person we're supposed to be. Enjoy the past and cherish your memories of who you were. Learn from the past and take the beneficial qualities from the previous versions. Appreciate that those earlier versions made you who you are today. Let the memories sweeten with age and let time impart its lessons.
I agree with what you're saying and, indeed, I do not wish to make any steps backwards. The strange part about it was that it felt as if I was witnessing two parallel universes at the same time.
ReplyDeleteOf course, it could have been simply the fact that I have lately managed to strengthen my imagination and I was able to imagine a version of me while experiencing reality at the same time.
Whichever the case, it was still an interesting experience.