Visiting my old neighborhood fills me with lots of different feelings. Most of the time they are pleasant, but they can also get saddening, contradictory and even confusing.
Walking in the streets surrounding my old apartment feels wonderful. It's like I never left. I meet my friends and even from the very first hug, it's like we were hanging out just the day before. This does not happen often to me. When I leave a place, it may even take me years to return to it and during that time I change pretty drastically. Facing an old world with new eyes will naturally have an effect on all elements of my old life, including my friends. Not with these people though. These are friends that, for various reasons, are capable of eliminating any time that has gone past in a single smile. I'll elaborate further on them at another opportunity...
The strangest feeling of them all, is me taking a peek into my old self. My "Menelaos in Argentina" self. I have changed in many ways since then, both internally and externally. Back in the day, I'd be dressed like a hippie, being loud and fully energetic, dragging the group from one place to another, flirting endlessly and ending up going home with somebody I had only just met. Now, I just want to enjoy the company of some old friends, have some meaningful chats, catch up and overall enjoy them as the wonderful, individual people that they are, rather than as vibrant parts of a group. Besides, I'm not here for that long, so I need to fill my time with experiences I long for and take a piece of them with me back home.
Every now and then though, while having an interaction with somebody, a big memory-bubble would appear in front of me all cartoon-like, showing me a short clip of how this interaction would have progressed were I still in "Menelaos version 2008" mode. And then, as unexpectedly as it appeared, the bubble would disappear again, smoothly returning me to the present-moment as it actually is. All this in a matter of a split second.
The other person, of course, could not possibly know I had just taken that mini journey into what I can only identify as a potential scenario of how the given situation could progress. But I knew. I had momentarily diverted my concentration from what was going on or what we were talking about, but it was for such a brief moment that I did not look lost in space nor daydreaming.
What was so captivating about it despite its negligible duration is the fact that it was stunningly vivid and almost tangible. I really felt like I was observing a parallel "me" while actually living the current me. To understand what I'm talking about, put yourself in a hypothetical situation where somebody is talking to you but you really don't want to be there. So you escape momentarily through the magical, limitless paths of your imagination, taking the opportunity to picture yourself walking away from this person, leaving them talking by themselves. But then, your mind brings you back to reality and you say "Aw, crap. I'm actually still with this guy...". The difference, of course, is that in my case, I did not provoke this occurrence.
That moment, brief as it may have been, had already managed to fill me with questions. I'm not sure what to make of it. What is this experience trying to tell me? Is it just showing me memories of a remarkable past? Is it bringing suppressed desires to the surface? Is it a sign of how much I've grown and changed? Do I see dead people? Have I had far too much wine? Maybe it was just a glitch in the Matrix...
I think I'll just have some more wine. You know... Just in case it helps me find out. :)
M.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
It's time to wake up!
I talked about changes and changes are afoot. It is time to put my sanity (however much I had of it, anyway) back on track and the transformation begins today!
I realized I had lost focus of what I truly want and what truly makes me happy. I have been investing too much time in things that are far from mundane, but not as important as others nonetheless. I have been stressing out over things that, at the end of the day, not only are they at my complete control, but they are also not the bread and butter of what I desire. (I am intentionally keeping this vague. :) ) I even found myself reaching the point of depression at times. And for what? For fear that those elements may cease to exist? This doesn't make any sense at all, since, deep down, I don't even give a shit! That fear is often manifested through the creation of a potential negative scenario in my head that would end up having an outcome that is far from ideal. In other words, I would be afraid of something that may not even ever happen. And the craziest thing is that this is the kind of mentality I've always been advocating against, yet here I am now, having adopted it entirely! What the hell, brain??
I read something recently that reminded me of an old "me".
"Don't look too long or too often into the future. Let the present creep up on you and coldcock1 you with a tire iron!" (I'm looking at you, W.A.B.!)
This is the "me" I always enjoyed being and that I never voluntarily (or knowingly even) gave up. It is what I have always been preaching, yet somehow I seem to have lost my way and it's not how I've been living my life lately. It could be the fact that I had a pretty tough year until recently, or the fact that I have immersed myself into a new culture that kinda took me by surprise. Whichever the case, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I have identified the thorn and I'm already working on pulling it out.
As of today, I'll be making sure I hold on tight with both hands to the things I want the most. I'll be putting all my effort into what I want to keep in my life, without forcing anything to be there. Worrying about how something may or may not turn out, is absolutely pointless. I'm starting to remember now what that feels like. It feels really REALLY good!
I'm happy for what I have and for who I am.
I enjoy the factors that shape my life.
I have always tackled anything that came my way and I am perfectly capable of finding my way to the surface, regardless of the conditions.
I have confidence in my ability to make the best of any given situation.
I will never again allow anything to bring me down!
I'm on my way to bringing my old self back. Having some seriously intelligent, insightful, supportive people in my life, who know me at times even more than I know myself, helps immensely. Thank you. You know who you are.
M.
1. "The act of punching or striking someone's face or head so hard, they are knocked out instantly."
I realized I had lost focus of what I truly want and what truly makes me happy. I have been investing too much time in things that are far from mundane, but not as important as others nonetheless. I have been stressing out over things that, at the end of the day, not only are they at my complete control, but they are also not the bread and butter of what I desire. (I am intentionally keeping this vague. :) ) I even found myself reaching the point of depression at times. And for what? For fear that those elements may cease to exist? This doesn't make any sense at all, since, deep down, I don't even give a shit! That fear is often manifested through the creation of a potential negative scenario in my head that would end up having an outcome that is far from ideal. In other words, I would be afraid of something that may not even ever happen. And the craziest thing is that this is the kind of mentality I've always been advocating against, yet here I am now, having adopted it entirely! What the hell, brain??
I read something recently that reminded me of an old "me".
"Don't look too long or too often into the future. Let the present creep up on you and coldcock1 you with a tire iron!" (I'm looking at you, W.A.B.!)
This is the "me" I always enjoyed being and that I never voluntarily (or knowingly even) gave up. It is what I have always been preaching, yet somehow I seem to have lost my way and it's not how I've been living my life lately. It could be the fact that I had a pretty tough year until recently, or the fact that I have immersed myself into a new culture that kinda took me by surprise. Whichever the case, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I have identified the thorn and I'm already working on pulling it out.
As of today, I'll be making sure I hold on tight with both hands to the things I want the most. I'll be putting all my effort into what I want to keep in my life, without forcing anything to be there. Worrying about how something may or may not turn out, is absolutely pointless. I'm starting to remember now what that feels like. It feels really REALLY good!
I'm happy for what I have and for who I am.
I enjoy the factors that shape my life.
I have always tackled anything that came my way and I am perfectly capable of finding my way to the surface, regardless of the conditions.
I have confidence in my ability to make the best of any given situation.
I will never again allow anything to bring me down!
I'm on my way to bringing my old self back. Having some seriously intelligent, insightful, supportive people in my life, who know me at times even more than I know myself, helps immensely. Thank you. You know who you are.
M.
1. "The act of punching or striking someone's face or head so hard, they are knocked out instantly."
Monday, November 14, 2011
Is home really where the heart is?
Waking up in a place I have never laid eyes upon always makes me very happy.
Late last night I landed in Brasilia, the capital of Brazil. Having been in transit since early Saturday afternoon, a process that included spending the whole night at a deserted Miami airport and 3 hours at the lost&found baggage desk of my final destination airport (which limits its function to just "lost", for the time being) it didn't take me long before I gave in to the urge of exploring the inner workings of my couch's covers. (Yes, I'm sleeping on a couch. I leave hotels for those who need them.)
I was pleasantly woken up this morning by the gentle sunlight coming in from the tall, wall-to-wall windows and the cool breeze that reminded me of nothing in Austin. I got up and looked outside.
Bright colors, green buses, signs I cannot read. No tall buildings as far as my eye can reach and faces I can guarantee you I have never seen before. I don't know where I am. I don't know where I'll go, nor where I'll have lunch. I don't know what kind of people I'll meet. I don't know where that bright, orange bus is going.
I love this!! This, right here, is what I live for!!!
M.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Despite all my rage...
Change is inevitable!
There! I started my post with a deep, philosophical belief. Therefore, the rest of whatever I write will surely be filled with intelligent opinions, intriguing facts and mind-altering conclusions. Right? Right!
I advocate change and self-growth more than anything else in my life (I think). I strongly believe that the only way for anyone of us to achieve all goals and reach ultimate personal fulfillment is by constantly changing. The thought process behind such a bold sentence is simple.
The more we learn, the more we understand.
The more we understand, the more things we try.
The more we try, the more mistakes we make.
The more mistakes we make, the more we put ourselves to the test.
The more we put ourselves to the test, the stronger we become.
The stronger we become, the more different we see the world.
The more different we see the world, the more we change our way of thinking.
The more we change our way of thinking, the better we become as individuals.
So there you have it, one of my strongest philosophies in life, in a nutshell. I could give you the full version, but this is not the time for such detail. Regardless, you're welcome!
I'm sure many of you will claim that if this is really how I think, then it's knowledge that I should treasure more, because had it not been for that, there would be no change. If you se it from a logical perspective, I cannot disagree. But from a practical perspective, things are different. I do love to learn about anything and everything around me, but the thing that excites me the most and gets my heart beating faster is the actual change. I understand that you can't have one without the other, but if I had to choose one, I would choose change. I love waking up any given morning and realizing that something inside me has changed.
Suddenly, I like pizza more than I like burgers.
Today I feel a stronger desire to learn how to dance tango, rather than how to play the guitar.
Hmmm... I think I will sell all my stuff, give up the life I have right now and move to Asia.
Makes perfect sense? Good, it wasn't supposed to anyway! Moving on.
Everything is good and jolly until an "unexpected" complication comes in the picture. What happens when you lose control of your changes? Don't tell you you thought you are fully in control of the shape and form you are taking, did you? I'm sorry for having to be the one to break it to you, but you can't control shit!!! You are in the mercy of your subconscious and the influences you place yourself in the middle of. All you can do is follow a given direction. The rest, my friend, is not up to you.
"Why can't I be in control of who I am becoming?" you're going to ask. Well, it's simple. Building a character is a little bit like cooking. You know what spices you're going to use, but you don't always know how much of each you need, in order to get the perfect result. So you use your judgement and try to guess. You put a little bit of salt, to awaken the flavor. You put some cinnamon to sweeten things up a bit. You put some cayenne pepper to give the whole thing a good kick. And then you bake it and you're hoping that you're gotten it just right. The final outcome, however, comes as a surprise. You're going to like something about it but you can also taste a part of it that needs some improvement. There are, of course, times that you get just the perfect result. You succeed in creating exactly what you had in mind and you stand there in awe, repeating over and over again that you can't believe how good this dish turned out to be. And those moments are beautiful and priceless.
Whichever the case, the important question is: What do you do when you're a passenger in the bus of change and suddenly you see it pass by the highway exit you were expecting to take, indicating you've boarded the wrong bus? Or even worse, how long does it take you to realize? Do you see it immediately? Do you have your doubts, but quickly brush it off? Does it hit you only when the bus ends up falling down to an endless abyss? In other words, how the fuck do you get back on track?
And that is where I don't quite have an answer. At least not until I manage to get myself out of that same boat! I already knew I have been changing at increasingly high speeds the past few months, but it wasn't until recently that I realized I don't quite like all the changes I have undergone.
It seems that the past 2 years I have spent in the USA have been very intense on me and have pushed me to change in ways that do not quite agree with my preferences and beliefs. I'm not going to elaborate much on this just yet, mainly because I'm still trying to figure it all out. But one thing I know is this. I'm not afraid to turn around. If what I see ahead of me does not put my excitement on a trampoline, I'm perfectly happy to bring back one of the element that I know for a fact it makes me happy, and begin revising from there. As I said, I may not be able to determine how things will turn out, but I can most definitely choose the magic carpet I'll be flying on.
M.
P.S. The title of this post has absolutely nothing to do with its content. The Smashing Pumpkins took over and claimed it.
There! I started my post with a deep, philosophical belief. Therefore, the rest of whatever I write will surely be filled with intelligent opinions, intriguing facts and mind-altering conclusions. Right? Right!
I advocate change and self-growth more than anything else in my life (I think). I strongly believe that the only way for anyone of us to achieve all goals and reach ultimate personal fulfillment is by constantly changing. The thought process behind such a bold sentence is simple.
The more we learn, the more we understand.
The more we understand, the more things we try.
The more we try, the more mistakes we make.
The more mistakes we make, the more we put ourselves to the test.
The more we put ourselves to the test, the stronger we become.
The stronger we become, the more different we see the world.
The more different we see the world, the more we change our way of thinking.
The more we change our way of thinking, the better we become as individuals.
So there you have it, one of my strongest philosophies in life, in a nutshell. I could give you the full version, but this is not the time for such detail. Regardless, you're welcome!
I'm sure many of you will claim that if this is really how I think, then it's knowledge that I should treasure more, because had it not been for that, there would be no change. If you se it from a logical perspective, I cannot disagree. But from a practical perspective, things are different. I do love to learn about anything and everything around me, but the thing that excites me the most and gets my heart beating faster is the actual change. I understand that you can't have one without the other, but if I had to choose one, I would choose change. I love waking up any given morning and realizing that something inside me has changed.
Suddenly, I like pizza more than I like burgers.
Today I feel a stronger desire to learn how to dance tango, rather than how to play the guitar.
Hmmm... I think I will sell all my stuff, give up the life I have right now and move to Asia.
Makes perfect sense? Good, it wasn't supposed to anyway! Moving on.
Everything is good and jolly until an "unexpected" complication comes in the picture. What happens when you lose control of your changes? Don't tell you you thought you are fully in control of the shape and form you are taking, did you? I'm sorry for having to be the one to break it to you, but you can't control shit!!! You are in the mercy of your subconscious and the influences you place yourself in the middle of. All you can do is follow a given direction. The rest, my friend, is not up to you.
"Why can't I be in control of who I am becoming?" you're going to ask. Well, it's simple. Building a character is a little bit like cooking. You know what spices you're going to use, but you don't always know how much of each you need, in order to get the perfect result. So you use your judgement and try to guess. You put a little bit of salt, to awaken the flavor. You put some cinnamon to sweeten things up a bit. You put some cayenne pepper to give the whole thing a good kick. And then you bake it and you're hoping that you're gotten it just right. The final outcome, however, comes as a surprise. You're going to like something about it but you can also taste a part of it that needs some improvement. There are, of course, times that you get just the perfect result. You succeed in creating exactly what you had in mind and you stand there in awe, repeating over and over again that you can't believe how good this dish turned out to be. And those moments are beautiful and priceless.
Whichever the case, the important question is: What do you do when you're a passenger in the bus of change and suddenly you see it pass by the highway exit you were expecting to take, indicating you've boarded the wrong bus? Or even worse, how long does it take you to realize? Do you see it immediately? Do you have your doubts, but quickly brush it off? Does it hit you only when the bus ends up falling down to an endless abyss? In other words, how the fuck do you get back on track?
And that is where I don't quite have an answer. At least not until I manage to get myself out of that same boat! I already knew I have been changing at increasingly high speeds the past few months, but it wasn't until recently that I realized I don't quite like all the changes I have undergone.
It seems that the past 2 years I have spent in the USA have been very intense on me and have pushed me to change in ways that do not quite agree with my preferences and beliefs. I'm not going to elaborate much on this just yet, mainly because I'm still trying to figure it all out. But one thing I know is this. I'm not afraid to turn around. If what I see ahead of me does not put my excitement on a trampoline, I'm perfectly happy to bring back one of the element that I know for a fact it makes me happy, and begin revising from there. As I said, I may not be able to determine how things will turn out, but I can most definitely choose the magic carpet I'll be flying on.
M.
P.S. The title of this post has absolutely nothing to do with its content. The Smashing Pumpkins took over and claimed it.
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