It's not all about me.

A year and a half ago I had invested in printing, mat-boarding and framing a number of photographs. The purpose of that was to setup a booth at some of the art markets around town and sell my photos there. This was far from my ideal situation of what I would consider as a successful step in my career and progress as a photographer, but I had to make ends meet somehow and, at least, I was not stuck in a depressing office, being a pencil pusher. This seemed like a good idea and I wanted to give it a try.



Working a booth at an outdoor market and trying to sell products to passer-bys had its pros and cons. I was out in the open, I spent my day socializing and meeting people, I would get to talk about my photos and my adventures... Unfortunately, the biggest disadvantage was a crucial one. Sales were not going as well as I hoped for. I managed to push some pieces, but not enough for me to have a sufficient income that would justify this "business" venture. Due to that, I had no choice but to stop doing the market booths and get a full time job instead.

Fast forward to today (well, 3-4 days ago) and I am stuck with a pretty big stock of prints, mat-boarded and/or framed. You see, I began my venture very ambitiously and didn't even consider the possibility that my work may not be as commercially appealing as I anticipated... I thought of organizing some sort of an artistic yard sale and try to give all remaining pieces away for whatever prices people were willing to pay. Unfortunately, that takes time and has absolutely zero guarantees (mainly given the fact that if it's not a cute, cheesy shirt for $3, people won't buy it at a yard sale).

Instead of desperately trying to make some money back from my investment, I decided to cut my losses and donate all my work to a worthwhile cause. I I looked around Austin, trying to find a non-profit that does fundraising auctions and after a brief search, I picked the Austin Humane Society, a shelter for abandoned dogs and cats. I contacted them, they said it would be a huge help to them, so that's how it was going to be.


(This is Seamus. He already has a home, but is adorable enough to earn a mention in a dog-shelter-related post.)

A couple of days later, I found myself loading up dozens of framed photographs into my car. I only kept a few that I are already on the walls of my apartment and some more that I wanted to give to friends as gifts. As I loaded all those frames in the car, I couldn't help thinking I had partially failed. I tried selling my art and I failed. I felt disappointed with myself and did not like the idea of giving up. At the same time, I knew at this point I had no choice, so I tried suppressing all those feelings and just cut my losses.

Soon after, I found myself at the administration office of the Humane Society and that's when it all suddenly changed. I saw the impressively maintained facilities they have, the numerous passionate volunteers working on-site and the excitement and gratitude with which the lady at the office received my photographs. Thanks to all this, I felt good about myself again. I may not be making any monetary profit out of those art pieces, but it doesn't matter. I donated them towards a cause I believe in and I know they will make a difference. In the end, they did serve a purpose far more important than getting a few extra bucks in my pocket. I could just have them sitting in my spare room, hoping that one day an Arab tycoon would knock on my door asking to purchase all my artwork. Instead, they will now make their way towards various homes in and around Austin and the proceeds will assist people who devote a lot of their time and energy in a cause they believe in but don't get anything in return.

This thought made it all worthwhile. Maybe it is slightly egoistic. Maybe I feel better about not having made any profit out of those simply because I now feel good about myself. Or perhaps, I am genuinely excited by the thought that items that could not provide me with what I needed have now become someone else's treasure. The circle of life of an inanimate object. Whatever the case, it doesn't matter. This feels right and nothing bad can come out of it. Reasoning and hypothetical scenarios have no place in one's joy.

M.

Musical Cabbie

Only in Austin would a cab driver send a text message to a client of his at a completely random moment of the day, mentioning that his band will be playing at a downtown venue the following night!


(self-proclaimed)

M.

P.S.: This is the first entry of the "Only In..." series. It dawned to me today that I often witness wacky moments that are very typical occurrences in a given city and would, most likely, not be seen elsewhere. Those moments may be taken for granted in their respective locations, but when it is pointed out how unique they are, compared to the rest of the world, they become hilarious.
Look out for more of these as they happen around me.

On to bigger and better things!

It's the 2^nd of January and I'm pretty sure you can already guess what this post will be about. I was thinking of posting this yesterday or the day before, but I decided against that. There are already hundreds of other posts talking about love, light, prosperity, fertility, hangover and whatever else, either as a reflection towards the departing 2011, or as hope towards the newly-born 2012. The facet of the internet explored by the average user (a.k.a. The Procrastinator) is usually inundated by pointless videos of cute cats, babies doing baby stuff, silly stories that may or may not result in a giggle and reports of brainless individuals having outdone themselves once again. Yet, for just one day a year, everyone diverts their focus from all these things and talks about how terrible the previous year was and how much better the next one will be. I'm not sure if I feel relieved or nauseous...

Anyway, my goal here is not to be cynical, for a change. Or perhaps I should. Because in all honesty, I fall within that exact category of people that I listed earlier. The procrastinator who wastes his time sharing and reading pages about stupid kitten videos and now reports on how great 2012 will be, compared to 2011 that sucked arse!

This past year really did suck in many ways. In order to balance that out and avoid killing myself by overdosing on the most horrible food in the history of teeth, I incorporated various new elements that brightened my life. I ran triathlons, I got heavily involved with improv, I got a job... So yes, overall I had lots of good things going on for me and I'm not going to complain. But there were other facets of my life that were not what you would call pleasant and I'm not looking forward to reliving them.

As for this new year... I'm not going to sit down by the fire and tell you how 2012 will be filled with beautiful stories of unicorns, laughing children and pink bunnies in green fields. I couldn't possibly know. Do you think my toast on January 1^st 2011 was: "Here's to a year filled with shitty situations, followed by partially redeeming excitement and joy."? Allow me to save you the trouble of playing the guessing game and tell you that no, that was not my toast.
All I aim to achieve in 2012 is to experience new moments. I want to meet people that will inspire me. I want to walk on paths that I have never visited before. I want to learn a new language. I want to practice a new art. By the end of the year, I want to have created a new snapshot of me, just as I did the year before and the year before that and so on.

Where does this leave me? Once again, not knowing what's going to come my way. I have ideas and desires and I'm certainly going to try and make things happen. But at the end of the day, I have no clue what I'll end up facing this year. Everything will be a surprise I prepare for myself and this really excites me. Blindfolding myself and running forward as fast as I can makes me feel exhilarated and alive. Believe me, it's worth trying!

I only know one thing for sure. My time in the US is reaching its epilogue. I don't know what/where/when, but I do know that the end of 2012 will not find me in the same continent. Other than that, the upcoming pages of my book are utterly blank. I'm looking forward to see what's in stock for me. Whatever it is, good or bad, I will embrace it with all my heart and turn it into the fuel I need to keep on going.

So here's to another 365 days that are guaranteed, once again, to surprise the shit out of me.

Happy new year!

M.

P.S. I wanted to leave you with a song, but I couldn't come up with one that I considered suitable. What is one song you would associate with inspiration for things to come?

Voyager...

A friend recently reminded me of an excerpt from Victor Hugo's book, Les Miserables.

"What did he do during the trip?
What was he thinking about?
As in the morning, he looked at the trees, the thatched roofs, the plowed fields, and the diversities of a landscape which every turn in the road changed as he passed. What is more melancholy and more profound than to see a thousand different objects for the first and last time? This is a form of contemplation which sometimes suffices the soul and almost does away with the necessity of thought.

To travel is to be born and to die at every moment!"

I can relate to this last phrase 100%. I feel it to the depths of my soul. Traveling throws me out of whack at any given moment. I lose myself and find myself in every step. The experiences, the laughter and the tears, the beauty and the discomfort, the confusion and the discovery... I love everything about being on the road.

Why?
Because I never know what's going to happen next.
Because the rain tastes differently.
Because even a building in shambles is beautiful.
Because I can never know in what or in whom I will find inspiration.
Because I allow myself to spend half an hour observing the rain drops striking the corner of a rock.
Because the adventure of struggling to communicate with somebody who does not speak my language fascinates me!
Because I eat and drink something new every.single.day!
Because I overtake a police car, while doing 90mph and nobody cares!
Because holding my passport in my hand feels better than holding a trophy.
Because I love seeing photos of far-away places and thinking "I've walked through there!".
Because following a pattern annoys the hell out of me!
Because it always cracks me up seeing people wear their sunglasses inside an airplane.
Because having nowhere to go, means being able to go anywhere!
Because carrying my world on my back is freedom.
Because the road taught me that extreme sadness can be turned into indescribable happiness!
Because a 90 year old man's smile tells more stories than any book I could ever pick up.
Because the more I learn, the more I realize how little I know.
Because admiring the breathtaking photo of a beautiful waterfall cannot compare to bathing in it!

Once you taste freedom, no wealth in the world can replace that feeling.

This is what defines me! This is what makes every cell in my body smile!
Dying... And being born again...

M.

deja-vu?

Visiting my old neighborhood fills me with lots of different feelings. Most of the time they are pleasant, but they can also get saddening, contradictory and even confusing.

Walking in the streets surrounding my old apartment feels wonderful. It's like I never left. I meet my friends and even from the very first hug, it's like we were hanging out just the day before. This does not happen often to me. When I leave a place, it may even take me years to return to it and during that time I change pretty drastically. Facing an old world with new eyes will naturally have an effect on all elements of my old life, including my friends. Not with these people though. These are friends that, for various reasons, are capable of eliminating any time that has gone past in a single smile. I'll elaborate further on them at another opportunity...

The strangest feeling of them all, is me taking a peek into my old self. My "Menelaos in Argentina" self. I have changed in many ways since then, both internally and externally. Back in the day, I'd be dressed like a hippie, being loud and fully energetic, dragging the group from one place to another, flirting endlessly and ending up going home with somebody I had only just met. Now, I just want to enjoy the company of some old friends, have some meaningful chats, catch up and overall enjoy them as the wonderful, individual people that they are, rather than as vibrant parts of a group. Besides, I'm not here for that long, so I need to fill my time with experiences I long for and take a piece of them with me back home.

Every now and then though, while having an interaction with somebody, a big memory-bubble would appear in front of me all cartoon-like, showing me a short clip of how this interaction would have progressed were I still in "Menelaos version 2008" mode. And then, as unexpectedly as it appeared, the bubble would disappear again, smoothly returning me to the present-moment as it actually is. All this in a matter of a split second.
The other person, of course, could not possibly know I had just taken that mini journey into what I can only identify as a potential scenario of how the given situation could progress. But I knew. I had momentarily diverted my concentration from what was going on or what we were talking about, but it was for such a brief moment that I did not look lost in space nor daydreaming.

What was so captivating about it despite its negligible duration is the fact that it was stunningly vivid and almost tangible. I really felt like I was observing a parallel "me" while actually living the current me. To understand what I'm talking about, put yourself in a hypothetical situation where somebody is talking to you but you really don't want to be there. So you escape momentarily through the magical, limitless paths of your imagination, taking the opportunity to picture yourself walking away from this person, leaving them talking by themselves. But then, your mind brings you back to reality and you say "Aw, crap. I'm actually still with this guy...". The difference, of course, is that in my case, I did not provoke this occurrence.

That moment, brief as it may have been, had already managed to fill me with questions. I'm not sure what to make of it. What is this experience trying to tell me? Is it just showing me memories of a remarkable past? Is it bringing suppressed desires to the surface? Is it a sign of how much I've grown and changed? Do I see dead people? Have I had far too much wine? Maybe it was just a glitch in the Matrix...

I think I'll just have some more wine. You know... Just in case it helps me find out. :)

M.

It's time to wake up!

I talked about changes and changes are afoot. It is time to put my sanity (however much I had of it, anyway) back on track and the transformation begins today!

I realized I had lost focus of what I truly want and what truly makes me happy. I have been investing too much time in things that are far from mundane, but not as important as others nonetheless. I have been stressing out over things that, at the end of the day, not only are they at my complete control, but they are also not the bread and butter of what I desire. (I am intentionally keeping this vague. :) ) I even found myself reaching the point of depression at times. And for what? For fear that those elements may cease to exist? This doesn't make any sense at all, since, deep down, I don't even give a shit! That fear is often manifested through the creation of a potential negative scenario in my head that would end up having an outcome that is far from ideal. In other words, I would be afraid of something that may not even ever happen. And the craziest thing is that this is the kind of mentality I've always been advocating against, yet here I am now, having adopted it entirely! What the hell, brain??

I read something recently that reminded me of an old "me".

"Don't look too long or too often into the future. Let the present creep up on you and coldcock¹ you with a tire iron!" (I'm looking at you, W.A.B.!)

This is the "me" I always enjoyed being and that I never voluntarily (or knowingly even) gave up. It is what I have always been preaching, yet somehow I seem to have lost my way and it's not how I've been living my life lately. It could be the fact that I had a pretty tough year until recently, or the fact that I have immersed myself into a new culture that kinda took me by surprise. Whichever the case, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I have identified the thorn and I'm already working on pulling it out.

As of today, I'll be making sure I hold on tight with both hands to the things I want the most. I'll be putting all my effort into what I want to keep in my life, without forcing anything to be there. Worrying about how something may or may not turn out, is absolutely pointless. I'm starting to remember now what that feels like. It feels really REALLY good!

I'm happy for what I have and for who I am.
I enjoy the factors that shape my life.
I have always tackled anything that came my way and I am perfectly capable of finding my way to the surface, regardless of the conditions.
I have confidence in my ability to make the best of any given situation.
I will never again allow anything to bring me down!

I'm on my way to bringing my old self back. Having some seriously intelligent, insightful, supportive people in my life, who know me at times even more than I know myself, helps immensely. Thank you. You know who you are.

M.

1. "The act of punching or striking someone's face or head so hard, they are knocked out instantly."

Is home really where the heart is?

Waking up in a place I have never laid eyes upon always makes me very happy.

Late last night I landed in Brasilia, the capital of Brazil. Having been in transit since early Saturday afternoon, a process that included spending the whole night at a deserted Miami airport and 3 hours at the lost&found baggage desk of my final destination airport (which limits its function to just "lost", for the time being) it didn't take me long before I gave in to the urge of exploring the inner workings of my couch's covers. (Yes, I'm sleeping on a couch. I leave hotels for those who need them.)

I was pleasantly woken up this morning by the gentle sunlight coming in from the tall, wall-to-wall windows and the cool breeze that reminded me of nothing in Austin. I got up and looked outside.

Bright colors, green buses, signs I cannot read. No tall buildings as far as my eye can reach and faces I can guarantee you I have never seen before. I don't know where I am. I don't know where I'll go, nor where I'll have lunch. I don't know what kind of people I'll meet. I don't know where that bright, orange bus is going.

I love this!! This, right here, is what I live for!!!

M.